Relationships

Rabbi Irwin Wiener, D.D.


Sometimes we take relationships for granted. We assume that people will react as we do to situations that require compassion and understanding. And then we see, all too often, the disregard for feelings and the contempt that develops because of familiarity.

Such is the ultimate fate of getting involved with people. We are born to be together and yet, we find it difficult at times to maintain closeness. We discard as fast as we accumulate. The friend of today will probably not be the friend of tomorrow. How sad when you think of all the effort that is involved in cultivating relationships and maintaining them.

Sometimes we think that one feeling or sentiment fits all. But we know this to be untrue. Moses Mendelssohn, the German-Jewish philosopher of the eighteenth century wrote: “If we are seeking to be genuinely sympathetic to others, then we must not think one emotional blanket will cover all when God by design and act shows sympathy for each of us as individuals.” His philosophical teachings took Jews into the Renaissance with a feeling of connection and purpose.

A recent movie entitled “Toy Story 3” gives the perfect example of how we sometimes take things seriously and when we are finished we just abandon any feeling of connection. In the movie there are toys that were part of a boy’s development and growth. He played with them throughout his youth and then when he was ready to move-on, to go to the next-step in his maturity, he puts them in a chest and doesn’t think about them again. That is, until he gets ready to go off to school.

He begins to clear his room of all his boyhood memories and comes across these toys that brought him so much joy. Eventually he decides to place all but one in the attic and that one special toy he wants to bring to school as a reminder of those happy moments.

The story is quite amazing because it gives us insight into our own relationships with friends and family. Most of us have had childhood friends that matured with us. Some have had very good friends or best friends and as the years progressed, so did we and those friends, are for the most part, not involved in our lives anymore. It’s not that we don’t have fond recollections, but rather we have moved-on and they don’t seem to be necessary anymore.

Some, I am sure, still have childhood friends that are still here with us in our more maturing age. These are rare. Our society is so mobile. Once we lived within a stone’s throw of each other, now find ourselves in different corners of the country and even the world. So we engage new friends and new acquaintances. However, there is always something happening that reminds us of that special girl or that special boy. It could be a smile or an experience or a location and there it is – a reminder of those pleasant times, or maybe not so pleasant times, when we were in school or on a first date.

Eventually these memories are relegated to the chest of remembrances to be opened occasionally when we go to attic or the basement or the storage closet. The albums come out, the pictures are there to constantly bring to mind the times of pimples or bobby sox or peg pants or slick hair gel that brought your hair back to a meeting place at the back of your head. You remember hair?

The story reminds us that today we still do the same things. We may not have the same friends but the new ones come and go faster than we would like. As we get older it is harder to make friends and even harder to keep them. We have family that occupy our time even more because they are growing and increasing so we need to find the energy to keep up with it all. It is daunting, to say the last.

On top of all that we have friends and neighbors who need us as we need them. It is especially true for those who live far from family. No longer are we just around the corner or upstairs or next door. Once we took a few steps and we were connected, and now we have to travel great distances. And it seems that this great family experience is an effort more for them more than for us. After all, we are two and they are many.

Now we are witnessing a different dynamic. Our families are no longer an integral part of our daily lives and the friends we once shared all our deepest most intimate thoughts are memories never to be repeated. We don’t keep in touch nor do we make any serious attempt to re-connect. We discard old reminiscences as though they no longer matter and forget the significance of these past relationships.

Today’s cliques are born out of yesterdays remnants. We tend to forget as the Yiddish folk saying goes: “Those who think they can live without others are wrong. But those who think that others cannot survive without them are even more in error.” Friendships are created and nurtured with effort and action, not by accident.

The past teaches us that friendships come and go because we neglect to continue showing the ability to forgive as well as the necessity for respect. The Ethics of the Fathers, the writings of the Sages, instructs us by asking simple questions: “Who is wise? Those who can learn from everyone. Who is strong? Those who can control their passions. Who is honored? Those who honor others.” This is the essence of true and lasting friendships.

In a New Year, perhaps, we should remember our past encounters as a lesson in understanding ourselves and in so doing our expectation of friends will not cause friction but rather connection We need to be reminded of something Cynthia Ozick, the American writer, wrote in the early 20th century: “When something does not insist on being noticed, when we aren’t grabbed by the collar or struck on the skull by a presence or an event, we take for granted the very things that most deserve or gratitude.”

What better way to celebrate a New Year than to be grateful for each other; to appreciate each other; to be respectful of each other, and to love each other as we would want to be loved.