A Trilogy of Wedding Thoughts

Rabbi Irwin Wiener, D.D.

“Another bride, another groom…..”

This is a sentence from a song made famous by the late, great comedian, Eddie Cantor. The song went further to say…”think what a year can bring.” This song came to mind when I realized that another year is here. Where has the time gone?
So many questions run through my mind: Have I? Should I? Could I? So much to think about and, at the same time, so grateful that there is a period set aside to start anew and possibly correct the wrongs.

There are so many challenges that come to mind as a New Year begins, or in this case, as a New Year continues. All of us receive the blessings of life not because we will it but rather because we make it happen. As corny as it may sound, determination and faith make all things possible. Happiness is not an accident waiting to happen. Happiness occurs because we put effort into making it so.
Life is a story of struggle and courage and perseverance. Life is what we make of it understanding that there are good times as well as bad. Our responsibility to each other and ourselves includes living life, loving life and sharing life with those we love.

There will be another bride and another groom as sure as there is another season. And as the song continues: “Lots of rice, the groom is nervous, he answers twice.” And it goes on to state that: “Picture a little love nest down where the roses cling. Picture that same sweet love nest, and think what a year can bring.” Our relationships are determined by our faith in each other and our determination to find love in order to be fulfilled.

Doing for one another is the ultimate expression of love for humanity and enhances our love for God. The bond between husband and wife is the secret of true faith. When a husband and wife begin a new life together they reinforce that bond. The mystics wrote that God is forever creating new worlds. How is this done? By bringing about new marriages
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And the song goes on: “The choir sings here comes the bride. Another bride and groom are side by side. It surely is the season…..”


“Marriages are made in heaven”

It wasn’t that long ago when marriages were arranged between families. The bride and groom never saw each other until the day of the wedding. In fact brides wear veils because of that custom. It was so the groom would first see his bride at the wedding ceremony.

These arranged marriages were organized by a person called the “Marriage Broker” who would search far and wide to accommodate the needs of the prospective families. We know them by another name, “Shadchin” or “Matchmaker.” Perhaps you will remember the movie, Fiddler on the Roof or Hello Dolly in which the “matchmaker” assumes the role of broker to arrange marriages according to their understanding of the needs. It is not far from the truth.

There is a story of such a “matchmaker” who called on a young man of poor circumstances to attempt such a match. “Frankly,” the youth said, “The only girl I would consider must be young, beautiful, come from a good family, and even own a delicatessen.”

“What!” shouted the indignant marriage broker.” You, a poor man, expect all that? You are not even passably good-looking and you have no trade. A girl such as you describe would have to be crazy to marry the likes of you!”
The young man shrugged. “So, she’s crazy! As long as she has all the other qualifications, who cares?”

I, too, once had to officiate at a marriage that was pre-arranged. The bride and groom never saw each other because the families lived quite a distance apart. Most of the arrangements were made either by mail or phone.

In fact I had to meet each separately as well, traveling from one location to the other. And while I talked to each I would ask how they felt about arranged marriages in general and their up-coming nuptials in particular. Without hesitation each spoke of their duty and responsibility to their respective families expecting that they would not be disappointed and in time would grow to love one another. I must admit I was impressed with their sincerity. And I knew that neither of them was crazy.

The ceremony was phenomenal. Everyone looked great. The groom walked down the aisle first surrounded by his parents. Then came the usual compliment of bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girl, and ring bearer. Finally the music began to play a different melody and all knew that the bride was about to enter. My heart raced as though I were the intended and not the officiant.

Down she came, everyone rose to their feet. She was, of course veiled, and looked beautiful even though we still could not see her face. Then came the moment when the veil was thrown over her head and revealed a most lovely woman.
The wedding ceremony began and as it ended and they kissed for the first time, I turned to the parents and whispered, “Marriages are made in Heaven.”


“A groom’s thoughts”

Most often when we think of marriage we are directed to the bride. After all it is “her day.” All the fuss surrounds her entourage and the preparations for a memorable milestone in her journey to the path leading to the nuptials. We tend to forget the groom.

There is the hustle and bustle of finding a suitable wedding dress, the arrangements for the bridesmaids, the flowers. On and on, the list is endless. The excitement builds. The makeup, the hairdo, the wedding bouquet, it just never ends. And we continue to forget the groom.

We forget that the concept of marriage was formed by Divine inspiration: “In time, a man leaves his father and mother and joins to his wife so they become as one flesh.” Biblical writers understood the loneliness men encounter. Then the moment of love reaches fulfillment in the joining of heart and spirit.

The Sages of old subscribed to the theory that there are three views of life that are considered beautiful in the eyes of God and man: Harmony between brothers, closeness among neighbors, and a man and his wife who are as one.

Sometimes I try to imagine what is going through a groom’s mind when I stand with him waiting for his bride to make her way down the aisle. I guess part of what he is thinking is thankfulness for reaching this milestone unscathed in the tumult surrounding the very moment of commitment. And then, perhaps, thoughts settle on the very time and space that he finds himself reaching out to complete the process of fulfillment.

And maybe he concentrates on the act of love that finds him standing next to the one he loves because he understands that the act of love should bring every level of humanness into play: Intuitions, emotions, logic and mind.

There is a story of a man having a debate with another regarding the value of marriage. The one man claims that God is a thief because He made Adam fall asleep and then stole one of his ribs. The other responded with a little anecdote that spoke of a thief entering a home in the middle of the night and took a silver tray and replaced it with a gold one. The first man replied that if only that were to happen to him. And the second man explained that that is exactly what happened when God took the rib from Adam and enriched him with a wife.

Is that what he is thinking when he is about to enrich his life with the person he searched for and found? Does he believe that his life has truly been blessed with the gift, the most valuable of gifts, the bond between male and female which is the secret of true faith?

A group of men were meeting for their weekly lunch together. And as is the custom they began to tell each other jokes. One piped up and asked the question: “What did Eve do whenever Adam came home late in the evening?” And he answered his own question: “She counted his ribs.”

Perhaps levity is the order of the day as the groom watches the world around him change forever. After all the world is built by love as the Scriptures tell us. And all the “ribbing” in the world won’t change that.

Is that what a groom thinks on “his day” too? If not, perhaps he should.