Life After Death: A Sequel To My Story

Rabbi Irwin Wiener, D.D.

In my column titled “To find meaning in death” I began to elaborate on a turbulent time in my life. It was the saddest of times and left me thinking that life had no meaning. I tried to describe the thoughts that ran through my mind as I endured the pain of losing someone who shared my life and my being. Those who have experienced such a nightmare, perhaps, explaining my feelings enabled them to understand that tragedy has a beginning and an end.

This chapter deals with the end which became a new beginning.

In the mystical writings we are taught that we are both male and female before birth and that at birth we split from this sexual combination and then spend the rest of our time here searching for that completion again through finding a mate that will eventually make us whole once more.

The sequel to my story confirms this in a very concrete way. I lost a love only to find love again, validating my belief in the fact that there is “life after death.”

Grieving takes us too many dark corners and each time we try to turn that corner and reach for the light we seem to fall backward until we believe that there are only rough edges that tear at our soul. We try to make sense of our feelings but always, for some reason, return to the emptiness that envelops us.

Our ancestors knew, well before the advent of therapy, that time is the essential healer in reversing our feelings of despondency. It is for this reason the process of “shiva” was created; the ability to reflect and remember and reminisce and even fantasize about what was. It gives us the ability to reconcile the past with the present. And then when the time is finished, the time of regret and remorse and guilt, we begin to resume our lives because that is the essence of completion. The end of this obscurity leads us back to everyday living. We never forget because memory takes hold and is the formula for immortality.

There is woman named Sandra. Her name means “protector of men” and that is exactly what she is. She found me at the most difficult time of my life, a time when life had no meaning. Her beauty and wisdom carried me through the darkest night into a glowing radiance. The brightness of her smile and the gentleness of her touch allowed me to reach that glowing spark of renewal.

The Talmud teaches us that God has endowed women with a special sense of wisdom that man lacks. I believe the lesson is rather simple: There is a compassion that generates goodness and tenderness that is found in women that ennobles us and gives us the ability to reach untold heights as human beings.

She came to me at, what was to me, life’s ebb. She had the ability to give of herself so that newness became my mantle. Sandra knew that erasing the past was not the path to survival. Rather building on the past was the ingredient for success. The past was there forever, the future was built on its history. This was done, and continues to this very day, with sweetness and patience. She has inner warmth that radiates worth.

When I met her my mind turned to poetry and I remembered the words of the poet John Clare. In his poem “First Love” he writes:

“I ne’er was struck before that hour with love so sudden and so sweet,
Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower and stole my heart away complete.
My face turned pale as deadly pale. My legs refused to walk away, and when she looked, what could I ail?
My life and all seemed turned to clay.”

I could not believe that love had returned and took such hold as I began to rise from the ashes of my despondency.

How many people, I wonder, have the opportunity to gain a new life? How many people go to sleep at night thinking all is right with their world only to encounter calamity? How many people search all their lives for completion and finally occurrences that would have made a difference? These questions and more should enable us to learn from each and every episode in the chapters of our lives.

The Torah teaches us that love is as strong as death. This is true. When we lose someone we love there is an ache that travels through us. When we find someone to love, when we find a Sandra to love, we also ache but in a different way. It is the ache of excitement and anticipation. It is the ache of restoration, the restoration of the gifts given to us by God. It is the ache of remembering yesterday as it gives us the ability to continue the journey of vitality.

Now I continue my life fully aware of all that was and with the confidence that tomorrow is another day that I can spend with my memories and with Sandra. Sandra makes me feel this way every hour of every day and she surely taught me that there is “life after death.”