To Find Meaning In Death

Rabbi Irwin Wiener, D.D.

At the moment of his death, the Ba’al Shem Tov said, “Now I know why I was created.” The profoundness of this declaration gives us a glimpse into an intense understanding of life.

We know that we are born to die but what we do with the in-between contains the sum total of our worth and significance. The in-between involves so much pain and healing, so much conflict and resolution, so much joy and sorrow. Sometimes we wonder about the value of life itself.

These thoughts and more were part of my experience as I witnessed a loved one melt into another world, another dimension. Losing someone we love and cherish is, to say the least, an episode in anguish and turmoil. Losing someone we love can also be inspirational even when our grief is beyond expression.

There lived a woman named Anita. She was a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. And she was all those things and more in just forty-one years. That is a lot of existence in so short a period of time. But she accomplished this with dignity and grace. And she ended her days in this same state of elegance that was the hallmark of her sojourn here on Earth.

My heart ached watching her suffer and go through endless ordeals in futile attempts to gain time and hopefully to find some magical cure. She travelled great distances in search of that elusive relief.

Her children, siblings and mother, all lived this nightmare with us. Some were able to cope and support, some were tortured by her suffering. I learned a great deal from this experience, not only as a husband, but also as a person of faith. I counseled many people over the years on how to cope with adversity and now, when faced with the same ordeal, found no consolation in my words.

I turned inward. I functioned as a parent and a cleric, but it was as though I were going through these exercises in a state of disconnection. All seemed lost to the point where I even doubted who I was and what I was doing. Despair and depression set in like it found a home to rest and be nurtured.

One day I found myself reaching for a book in my library. The book I touched and began to fondle was Psalms. I opened the page to the twenty-third Psalm as I did for so many others who looked to me for comfort and solace. This time, however, I studied each word and looked for meanings that were not apparent to me before.

I found one particular sentence which reads: Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.” For the first time I realized what the Psalmist was trying to relate. He talks about walking through the valley of death, not to the valley of death. I read it over and over again and appreciated that even though we suffer tragic losses in our lives, we need to understand that passing through these terrible episodes gives us the ability to continuing living.

She was a noble woman; in fact she was ennobling because of her demeanor and fortitude. She fought the valiant fight and she lost. But she lost with dignity and for that I came to understand an even greater feeling of connection to my Creator. I knew in an instant after reading this Psalm that sometimes we lose someone we love, someone who has an immense impact on our lives, and we wonder about it all, but the we realize that having known this person can make us stronger.

Her legacy may not be written in books but it is imbedded in how I live my life and how I treat others who look to me for understanding and compassion. Her legacy will be written on a little stone in a cemetery that indicates there once was a woman named Anita who lived, loved, laughed, cried and died. Her reward will be that which only God can give, the gift of life everlasting. She deserves no less.

I finally realized that God, in His infinite mercy, reached out to bring her soul to His bosom in eternal gratitude for a life well spent that contained mercy and forgiveness. Those thoughts help me, to this very day, twenty-eight years later, know that faith is dependent on knowing that there are things in life over which we have no control. But we have an obligation to live to the fullest and appreciate those who travel that road of life with us as well.

I now understand what the Ba"al Shem Tov meant and that from Anita's death I learned the profound meaning of her life.