Parents

Rabbi Irwin Wiener, D.D.

Maimonides wrote: “If the mind of a person’s mother or father becomes diminished or injured, the child should do whatever he can to respond to the demands of the affected parent until God exercises His mercy.
Nevertheless, if the parent’s situation grows even more difficult and the child can no longer bear the burden, the child may leave and assign others to give his parents the concern and rightful proper care.”

Numerous times I witness the guilt that affects all who see their parents fade as their cycle of life nears its end. Have they done enough; have they said enough to really matter. The pain of seeing a parent enter the darkness of diminished ability is more than some can bear. We feel powerless.

Many things run through our minds as we stand by waiting for the inevitable. It has been said that at the time of death a person’s whole life flashes before him. I believe that this is also true for those who watch a parent reach the end of the journey that encompassed love and caring and sharing and even some disappointments.

Our minds start to wander and begin reflecting on childhood dreams and grown-up anticipations. We remember our first bicycle and how Dad taught us how to ride. We recall the first date, the first prom, the first of many things that were part of our growing up. We fondly recollect Mom sitting with us reading to us and helping us take that first step into adulthood.

And then we look down at this frail person whose white hair reminds us of ageless encounters. The skin shows the wear and tear of the times spent worrying about our success. The smile is now strained because the years seemed to have taken their toll and smiling is now a chore more than a joy.

What can we do? What should we do? We now have families who need our attention. We want to reach out and be there for the one’s who gave us life and are now reaching the ebb. Our minds wander and the torment is great because parents deserve all we can do because of all they did. And honoring our parents, the Talmud teaches, is as though God is in our midst and we are honoring Him.

Then I am reminded of what Maimonides wrote centuries ago that it is our responsibility to give dignity at the end but we are also obligated to ensure that the care and concern may be shared with others so that proper vigilance will relieve our worry.

I visit patients and families in situations that require the utmost tenderness. Most often the call I receive involves hospice visits. It is not enough to say that it is God’s hands. It is not enough to offer consolation. Most often I am asked why – why did this happen to my parent? And I encourage everyone to concentrate on the real question – How? How can we come together to relieve the burden, to lighten the load and to ease the pain? Life is a journey and that journey includes great memories but also sad occasions. We start on that journey with birth and we witness all the happenings of life until the time comes for the journey to end. Our responsibility is to eliminate the guilt and focus on the beauty of life and all its rewards and defeats.

Sometimes to accomplish this we must share the responsibility with others because we no longer have the ability to cope and bear that burden alone. God gave us the capacity to reach out and touch a hand or wipe a tear and offer words of endearment. God created us to be connected to one another and that encompasses the bad times as well as the good.

So, no regrets, no guilt, just the understanding that we did the best we could and we were not ashamed or embarrassed to accept a helping hand. And when the end finally arrives we will mourn but we will have memories and those memories will guarantee eternal life. For remembrance is the secret ingredient of immortality.

We can no longer caress or embrace because now it is God’s turn as He brings them to his bosom and takes charge of their journey through eternity.