Goodbye, Or Farewell

Rabbi Irwin Wiener, D.D.


It is so difficult to say goodbye. Thoughts of missed opportunities, of dreams that were never realized, of hurts that never mended, all come to the surface when someone close to us dies. And we don’t want to say goodbye because it is so final.

We try to find the words that will offer comfort. We attempt to rationalize the time allotted so that it has some meaning. We soothe our pain by thinking of an eternal reward only God can give.

More than that we seem to concentrate on our own mortality.

The Talmud attempts to offer some insight by stating that every man has three friends – his children, his money, and his good deeds. So when the time comes to leave this world he calls to his children who inform him that no one can conquer death. Next is his money: he cries out to his savings, asking them to save him, and the money replies that wealth cannot save you from death. Finally he calls on his good deeds, and they offer an understanding that upon his arrival in the world to come, his good deeds will precede him to offer help to his soul.

Saying goodbye has two aspects - that which we say to our friends and families and that which we say to ourselves. What we say to others conveys the regrets and wishes that were never fulfilled, the sorrows of a life that was filled with tragedies, and the joys that gave us laughter and happiness. To ourselves we often express feelings of guilt and remorse: Have we been a true friend or a loving companion? But we’re also thankful for having been part of that life.

While we say goodbye we know that it is not final. Each year we light a candle to remind us of that special relationship that continues. During the year we recite the Yizkor prayer to enable us to assist that soul in its journey and destination with the Creator who breathed life into us at the beginning.

In the final analysis, what we attempt to do in saying goodbye is to keep the memory alive, for that is the essence of immortality. Most of us will never have a monument erected to remind everyone of our sojourn here on Earth. Most of us will not have poems or sonnets written for future generations to read. But some will have a section of a piece of land dedicated to our sacred voyage. Some will be scattered to the winds confirming the eternalness of life.

And we search for answers to why: why we left so soon, why we suffered, why is death so final and life so temporary? In one instant we open our eyes and in the next they are closed – never to be opened again. We tend to forget that in between the opening and the closing is what we call life. And life is to live. Sometimes life is not fair. Sometimes life is a burden. Sometimes life is filled with too much sorrow and despair.

However, life also contains weddings and births and celebrations designed to help us appreciate the gift given to us by a caring and loving God. Life is what we make of it through great effort. Life is love and kissing and hugging. Life is being able to say hello before we say goodbye.

Living allows us to comprehend the beauty of creation through life’s continuing evolution. Just as creation is never ending, so is life. We move from one form to another but never to a final destination; rather, we are returned to our Creator to be reborn again. The earth may be filled with the remnants of who we once were, but the soul winds its way toward that heavenly connection and eventually is reunited with another creation as new life is formed.

We are immortal because eternity is the natural succession of our existence today. We are immortal because life never ends but takes different forms and finally returns as it was. We are immortal because memory remains the link between life and death. We are immortal because we are created in the Divine image and as God is forever so are we.

Saying goodbye is painful because we suffer a loss, and there is a void that seems irreplaceable. Saying goodbye seems so final. Perhaps that is why we should say farewell, not goodbye. Farewell doesn’t appear to be so decisive, giving us an opportunity to never forget.

The Kaddish prayer is designed to help us understand that while there is a loss, there is also thankfulness for that person having been part of our life and for us having had the opportunity to enjoy a lover, a friend, a confidant, a parent. The ability to share the journey of life is the blessing and will help us say goodbye, or farewell.

Farewell, Dennis Mellman.