Questions That Deserve Answers

Rabbi Irwin Wiener, D.D.

Many times I am asked questions that have no answers, but just as many times there are questions that should be asnwered and should. For example:

Question:

" What is the proper way to mourn or grieve after losing a loved one?"

Answer:

Grieving is different for everyone. Some grieve because of guilt; some because of a sincere desire to show respect, and some grieve because it is expected.

To say that one of these is wrong is to do a disservice not only to ourselves but the the person we mourn. There is a loss. There is a void. There is an emptiness. There is so much of no more. Expressing our sorrow is one way of coping so that we can move-on and continue to live. After all, one of the highest tributes you can show is to contiue with life because life is contiual. If we did not continue to experience all that life has to offer, we ceratainly will not be able to remember for that is the secret to immortality: Remembrance.

Who will be left to remember, if we give-up and become so distraught that we wish not to live anymore. That is why it is an obligation.

Therefore, it is not how we grieve or why we choose to grieve, but rather that we do so to remember.

Question:

"What happens if we feel no need to express our distress because we find it difficult to do so?"

Answer:

Again, it is a matter of degree. I have known people who cannot even cry at such a sorrowful time. The tears will not flow and the omission seems to make it even more difficult.

Perhaps you weep in private; perhaps you have witnessed that special person's life slowly ebbing and all the mourning has been done over a long period of time.

We display grief in many ways. Among them is denial, frustration, and anger. It is possible that we just choose to ingnore this tragedy because it is too much to bear. All of these are expressions of grief.

The important thing to remember is that whichever way we observe calamity, none is wrong because we are the ones who determine the need.

There are many questions, as I mentioned, and I will endeavor to list them and my response to them in succeeding writings.

It is my prayer that you will, at the time, find an answer to your sadness through the expressions from family and friends as they attempt to lift the burden and share the unhappiness.